I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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