just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
