make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
