I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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