I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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