carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Vodka?
Forever.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
