Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
