I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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