proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
