yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
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Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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