Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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