The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I could make wine with my vomit
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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