John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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