So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
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Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
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When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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