I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just high enough for therapy.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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