Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
