Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
