i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
