apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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