two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize