I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
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yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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