I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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