i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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