There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
