tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
