My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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