whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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