I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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