tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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