Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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