I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
