he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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