Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
We smell like vodka and hangover
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