life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
