I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
