You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
