i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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