It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
being pregnant is like rehab
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
