I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
