Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
