The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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