he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
