I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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