I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
