Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
