If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
