I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
