On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
