if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
