So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
