The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
