I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
