Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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