Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
