Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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